Oh My.

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Well well well. It has been quite a long time! Life has a funny way of really getting away from you. So here is what has been happening in the last 6 months:

First and most important change is that I MOVED BACK TO THE US. I am not entirely sure about how I feel about the move but I am working through it. When I created this blog I was living in a European country and had been for quite some time. I have moved to the Northeastern United States and have to say it is pretty nice here.

Another big change is that…you guessed it. I was not able to maintain my sobriety. Dun Dun Dun. I am not discouraged though. I have actually been fairly responsible with my drinking recently, although it is clearly that time again for me to think about some self care.

It seems in recent months I am being drawn towards first taking care of myself spiritually and working on my anxiety and physical health.

I am still in graduate school and I am making progress towards the end goal of graduating in the next spring semester. I need to really buckle down and focus on healing myself and figuring out what triggers my anxiety and health problems.

While I may not be sober everyday right now, I am working on myself and figuring out a way to exist in a realm of happiness, rather than the dark cloud negativity I have been hiding under for so long. I have been sober two days and that itself is a win.

So here I am. Present. Sober.

Now to go to 5 hours of homework and make some gratitude lists later tonight!

Here is to moving forward…

DgVdyUk

Hey there…a bit of a sad post today. I am ashamed and embarassed to inform you that on Day 11 of my sobriety I drank alcohol.

I was at home with my husband and felt very left out because he was drinking and having a good time. The feeling was consuming me and I made the very stupid decision to have some beer. It wasn’t an awful relapse in the sense that I didnt binge, get into a fight, or do anything dangerous…but a relapse nonetheless.

I feel incredibly guilty right now. I want to go back in time and just tell my past self to go take a walk, meditate…DO ANYTHING. Just do not drink. However, time travel is not an option. We must live our lives in the present and be accountable for our actions. That is exactly what I am doing now by telling you of my relapse. I could pretend to people I dont know on the internet that it never happened and that I am the perfect image of sobriety and changing your life for the better. No matter how wonderful that would appear, it would not benefit my own journey or my sobriety. I must be truthful with myself.

So here I am. Present. Sober.

   “I feel God in my heart and mind and know the Truth:  We are One!  I deny any thoughts or emotions that limit my relationship with God.  I deny any thoughts, beliefs, or worries that in any way limit me in health, love, goodness, intelligence, and power.  I am and always will be one with God.  I am a child of God; and like God, I am filled with God’s Love and Goodness.  As an individual expression of God, I have the same qualities.  I am healthy, whole, perfect, complete, and unlimited in my power.  Now and forever, I have increasing health, strength, life, love, and wisdom.  With every breath I take, all my bodily systems and functions are in perfect balance and harmony with God.  As I meditate on the God within me, every organ and every cell of my body awakens to its natural healing abilities and I am rejuvenated, well, and full of Life’s healing energy.  I know that I am One with God and all life; I am at peace and filled with Love and Joy.  All fears, doubts, and thoughts of disease, illness, limitation, or lack fade away.  Instead, my every thought embraces Life to its fullest and manifests my wholeness and goodness.  I am open and receptive to God’s Love and Wisdom, and I have absolute faith and conviction in my Divine Source.  Peace now and forever flows like a river through my mind, and I thank God that we are One.  My life is filled with health, abundance and prosperity.  I have the highest expectation of Good. And so it is!”

On a rather unrelated note I am very excited about the Academy Awards tonight and hope that Leo finally wins his Oscar!! I am also a huge Tom Hardy fan so I hope he wins Best Supporting Actor. 

Sobriety date: February 27, 2016

 

Dreaming of sleep…

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Hey guys!

Worlds Most Boring Blogger is back!….to talk about sleeping. Basically I have been sober almost a full week and I have been having the hardest time with my sleep pattern. I am writing this at 1:53am because after waking up at NOON and being sleepy all day… I am somehow wide awake. I have been waking up a lot too when I actually manage to fall asleep. Aside from that I have been doing very well. Tomorrow I am going to try and find a place to get my nails done. I have totally neglected to do that this week and it has to happen! I am avoiding it because obviously it means I have to leave my house, which as you know, I am not too excited about. :/ Well, this was a short uneventful post but being here and journaling has really been something I look forward to during the day. Writing, no matter how trivial the subject, keeps me focused and present.

Tomorrow I will be better and try harder at expanding my boundaries and embracing life as a sober individual. I know that whatever the universe sends my way is intended to teach me a lesson and is for the greatest and highest good. And so it is.

Sober Weekend

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Hello!

It is Sunday night here in Europe and I am exhausted! Friday night I stayed home and relaxed because my husband had to work late and I definitely didn’t feeling like going out on my own just yet. On Saturday I went with a group of friends to a local tavern. I was the designated driver for a few of my friends, which actually made me feel kind of good. I was remaining sober and being helpful at the same time! While I am a fairly nervous driver, I found myself much more positive and relaxed by the time we left to driver home around 10:30pm. Once we got home my friends decided to stay over, which I was not so keen on because they were super drunk and I was sipping my water. I will admit I felt a little left out, as these have been my ‘drinking buddies’ for the last three years. We all stayed up super later and made a huge bonfire and listened to some classic rock. I have to say, though it was a bit strange to go out sober for the first time in a long time, I loved waking up feeling great on a Sunday morning while everyone else was tossing around and groaning about their hangovers 😉

Tomorrow I have a ton of work to do for school and lots of personal errands. I desperately need to get my gel nails filled in and I am pretty nervous about going to get them done at a new place. That will be my anxiety challenge for tomorrow. I have been trying to do one thing a day to get me out of the house…even if I dont want to.

Send all of your good vibes my way! I will need them!  ✹✹✹✹✹✹

La La La

crystalspink

Hello!

I have had a pretty good day so far. It is after 5pm and I am not experiencing cravings yet, although I know they will come. I am not afraid. I am committed to today, to my health, and to my future.

I started my day at 6:45am when I woke up to get to my lazy butt to therapy. I really like my therapist and I have been seeing her for about a month. She is one of the main reasons I really got to this point, where I can see myself living as a sober individual. After therapy I went to get a Starbucks coffee and then drove home. I think I must be getting sick or feeling withdrawl symptoms because even after chugging a venti coffee I passed out on my bed for 3 hours…oops! Hopefully in the next few days I will feel better. After I woke up it was about 2:30pm so I got up and tooled around the house cleaning dishes and listening to the Serial podcast, which I am absolutely obsessed with. Something you will probably learn about me is that I have a true passion for true crime books, shows, and podcasts. A friend from the US recently recommended Serial to me and I have been binge listening ever since. Later I made some homemade guacamole, which was sooooo good. Now I am getting ready to watch The Walking Dead, do some laundry, and some light reading before bed. Tomorrow I plan on doing some pilates in the morning, getting my nails done, and working on my university work.

Today I am thankful for:

✩ my therapist ✩ my husband ✩ my health ✩ my strength ✩ my sobriety ✩

I have been working on fostering my growing spirituality recently and this particular prayer made me smile. I do not know how to classify or describe my spirituality yet but I am enjoying figuring it out 🙂

    I am a Divine Being of Light.  I am one with Infinite Mind, with God/Goddess, All-That-There-Is.  Universal Intelligence flows in through and around me. As an individual expression of God, I am Infinite, Eternal, and Limitless.  I am a channel for Divine Goodness and Love.  I am whole, perfect and complete.  As a droplet of the Divine, I am filled with love and life, peace and power, wisdom, joy, abundance, and beauty.  I have faith and conviction in my Divine Source.  All doubts and limitations fade away.  I am one with all Life.  I am open and receptive to the Divine.  My Life is now filled with health, abundance, and prosperity.  I have the highest expectancy of good.  Divine Love and Power are mine.  Thank you Mother-Father God.  And so it is!

Day 1

Moon Faces

Hello world.

I am starting this blog as a way to center myself. I am on a journey and for many years I have been going down the wrong path. I feel as though it is time for me to embrace my life and seriously consider my mental and physical health, both of which I have been neglecting for far too long.

☮I am Miss Recovery and I am an alcoholic☮

I have been since the first drink I took. I am a chronic binge drinker and I have lost control over my addiction. I wish I could say this was my first attempt at getting sober but it is not. I was sober February 2015-April 2015 and I can honestly say I was a better person in that short time period. When I drink I have a tendency to act without thinking (no surprise there) and over the years I have gotten myself into more trouble than I care to admit. I am nearing the latter half of my twenties and it is now or never. My addiction has advanced significantly in the last three years… it has to stop. I have to stop my addictive behavior from destroying my life. I am not going to give away many details of my life, in an effort to remain anonymous… not that many people will see this anyway but you can never be too careful. I am originally from the US, from a state on the east coast. I now live in Europe. My drinking has increased significantly since I moved here 3 years ago but I have been an alcoholic since I was 18. I spent way too many nights puking and blacked out in my twenties and I have started to notice my health problems are on the rise. I have recently been diagnosed with severe anxiety ,agoraphobia, and depression and placed on the medication Sertraline. I rarely leave my house unless I absolutely have to and when I do, I frequently suffer panic attacks. Most of my recent problems with friends and family can be traced back to something I said when I was drunk. I hope in the coming weeks and months to try and foster healthier connections with other people and to actively work on my anxiety and agoraphobia.

I am going to use this blog as a sort of recovery journal.  If anyone else is in recovery or just feels like talking, let me know! ✌

Here is to day 1!

Sobriety Date: February 16, 2016